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“Autumn Rhythm (No. 30)” by Jackson Pollock

GNAYgallery – The Jackson Pollock Experience

In preparation for today’s studio visit, you are dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt. As you wait to enter, you are served a double bourbon and a Marlboro (to smoke or put behind your ear)

You enter what appears to be a large drafty barn. A huge blank canvas lays on the floor in the middle of the room. FLASH. You now have a gallon of paint in one hand and a hardened paint brush in the other. FLASH. You gulp down another double bourbon and begin spattering and dripping paint on the canvas. As if possessed, you move rhythmically but methodically around the canvas. Drip, drip, splatter, drip. FLASH. Another double bourbon, but this time, it’s between your knees, as you hurl down a dark country road behind the wheel of a 1952 Olds convertible. FLASH. You see the tree, but it’s a little too late.

 Thanks for coming – please ensure you have a safe ride home.

 

 

“The Factory” ... Getty Images

GNAYgallery – The Andy Warhol Experience

You enter an elevator and are handed a pair of oversized sunglasses and a micro dose of purple micro-dot LSD. When the doors open you’re in New York and it’s 1965.

You spill into Andy Warhol’s mid-town art factory. A crayon is thrust into your right hand, a martini into your left. The fellow beside you, from the elevator, is now Bob Dylan and the two of you are put to work colouring a large head shot of Marilyn Monroe. FLASH. Now you are sitting on a couch listening to Lou Reed perform “Walk on the Wild Side” while you view a panorama of “Death and Disaster” photo-paintings. FLASH. Now sitting at a kitchen table. You are served Campbell’s tomato soup and a small white pill. Debbie Harry, sitting across from you says, “Yum, yum.” FLASH. David Bowie now takes you by the hand and leads you back to the elevator. The silver haired man with the super-8 movie camera says, “your 15 minutes are up” and you are gone. Real, real gone.

 Thanks for coming – please ensure you have a safe ride home.

 

“The Potato Eaters” by Vincent van Gogh

As you prepare to enter the Van Gogh exhibit you are dressed in a blue painting smock, a straw hat, and a pipe with cheap tobacco is shoved in your mouth (match optional).

You enter a dark, dirt floored, room and are served boiled potatoes and gritty, but hot, tea. FLASH. Suddenly you are in a French “Night Café.” It’s late in the evening and you are joyfully sipping absinthe from a half empty bottle when you suddenly notice the blood on your smock and a “tingling” left ear. FLASH. You are now sitting on a painting stool in a golden wheat field as a noisy murder of crows circles overhead. You look to see what you are holding in your right hand. You expect to see a paint brush, but find a gun. BANG.

Thanks for coming – please ensure you have a safe ride home.

 

“Federation Gallery” by GNAY (photo credit and painting featured)

Let’s face it, going to a museum or an art gallery is a complete bore, even when the paintings are mine. Yawn. I’m going to change all that! Partnering with Disney, James Cameron (who I had more than a few beers with at my funeral), and Elon Musk, we are taking the gallery visit into the next century. Imagine a mind blowing, multi-media, multi-dimensional hell ride into the art abyss. Experience paintings like never before. Live, eat, and drink alongside each artist as you enter their virtual studios and “become one” with their palettes and canvases. In a GNAYgallery* you don’t just VIEW the paintings, you ARE the paintings! So, roll up your sleeves, put on your smock, and get ready for an unforgettable art romp, through time and space, with GNAY at the helm. It’s going to be fun!

*Registered trademark of GNAYart. Must be 19 years or older to enter.

 

“Memorial Pamphlet” by GNAY

CNN BREAKING NEWS: Shock and awe! On the eve of his Westminster Abbey Celebration of Life extravaganza, the humble and well-loved Canadian artist was spotted alive and well, quietly enjoying a cold beer in a Belfast pub. Previous reports of GNAY’s death were predicated on a Monterey morgue mix up, where the famous artist was mistaken for a homeless (but handsome) dead dog walker. After receiving nine stiches, for a nasty cut, at a southern Californian hospital, GNAY was released and he immediately embarked on a bucket list, three-legged, Irish Pub crawl. The well-loved artist was shocked to hear of his impending memorial service and is turning it into a big party! The planned horse drawn carriage, casket procession, will now feature GNAY at the reins! What a guy! Signed and numbered, limited edition, memorial pamphlets now available at www.GNAYart.com.

 

“For What?” by Fredrick Varley

BBC World News: Famed Academy Award winning Canadian film maker, James Cameron, has volunteered to direct and produce the slide show for this weekend’s GNAY memorial. Cameron is delighted to be involved, but knows he has his hands full as photos of the reclusive Canadian painter are few and far between. Cameron’s slide show is said to open with a moving montage of bleak Canadian war paintings. Although GNAY never served, the director feels this somber opening will build drama for the closing scene where the triumphant GNAY is seen cutting the ribbon at his new National Gallery of Canada exhibit. Since this never happened either, Cameron, using actor Daniel Craig in the role of GNAY, commandeered the British Museum for a week long shoot that is said to have been costlier than re-sinking the Titanic. Oscar buzz is in the air.

 

“The Basket of Apples” by Paul Cezanne

EPICURIOS.com: Caterers for the GNAY Celebration of Life ceremony, to be held at London’s trendy Westminster Abbey this Saturday, are being told, “spare no expense!” and Head Chef, Giada De Laurentiis, is doing just that! Multiple buffet stations are to ring the abbey with each table emulating a famous still-life painting. Chef Jaques Pepin, tasked with the “Cezanne” station, is thrilled to be honouring the famed French impressionist while at the same time feeding grief stricken GNAY mourners. Vendors at the Notting Hill Farmers’ Market say Chef Gordon Ramsey is in absolute furry (and not to be trifled with) as he storms from stall to stall sourcing square apples and pyramidal pears for his “Picasso” themed dessert bar”. It looks like Giada’s vision of a “whimsical, but thought-provoking” smorgasbord is coming to fruition! Yum, yum.

 

“Reflections” by GNAY

ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT: Sources close to Saturday’s “Good-bye GNAYcelebrating his life” event, say British music sensation, Adele, has composed a heartfelt tribute song for the late Canadian artist. The song, entitled “Reflections”, is said to put Sir Elton John’s, “Candle in the Wind”, for Princess Dianna to shame. Adele will be performing her new piece live at the event with the support of the London Philharmonic Orchestra. Stage/alter special effects are said to include a 200-foot Hologram of GNAY at his easel painting (in slow motion) with a beer in hand. Many tears are expected to be shed during this moving tribute. ET Insiders also report; Justin Timberlake (Super Bowl sensation!) was miffed after his emotional GNAY memorial song (and dance) was panned, but will still attend.

 

“Westminster Abbey” by J.M.W Turner

BBC world news: Westminster Abbey chosen to host GNAY’s Celebration of life! After considering several venues around the world, the family of the late artist thought The Abbey, with its long tradition of honouring writers and painters, would be a fitting location to celebrate the life of GNAY. World leaders, A-list celebrities, and even the Dalai Lama are expected to attend. The city of London is on Red Alert awaiting throngs of dignitaries, devotees, and mourners from around the globe. In an unprecedented move, the British Royal Family has authorized the entombment of GNAY’s remains in the cloisters between Charles Dickens and Laurence Olivier. This tomb formerly occupied by JMW Turner was recently vacated when that artist’s “19th century studio shenanigans” were brought to light. #MeToo. At the ceremony, the family of GNAY is expected to present the Queen with a painting in thanks.

 

“Pere Lachaise Cemetery” by GNAY

Guy Fieri: “It is with great sadness that I announce the passing of our newest Food Network Star, GNAY. At approximately 3:00 pm yesterday he succumbed to an accidental, self-inflicted, knife wound to his left index figure. Tardy first responders were unable to staunch the considerable blood flow and the chef slid into a peaceful coma before being pronounced dead on the scene. The world has lost a great chef and a tremendous artist. GNAY is survived by his mother ENAY, his brothers BNAY and RNAY, his daughters MNAY and ANAY, and by his loving wife of 37 years VNAY. A GoFundMe page has been set up to help with funeral expenses which are expected to be substantial. Prices for the now dead artist’s “whimsical but thought-provoking” paintings and prints are expected to soar on this news. I’m fortunate to have a few on my wall, to remember him by, and I hope you do too. Thank-you.”